That’s not SEO. That’s just dumb.

I’ve heard a lot of things over the years as I’ve worked in the unique field of SEO. Ours is an industry without a university, or valid certification program. Where sheisters claim to have the cure-all for everything, and relatives of business owners chime in with all kinds of “helpful advice”. So I sent around some Twitter DMs to other SEOs I’ve run into over the years to ask them one simple question:

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard someone claim was a valid SEO strategy?

Who:  Tadeusz Szewczyk   Twitter: @onreact_com Keyword Anchor Text Link: SEO 2.0

After the redesign (that ignored most of my advice) the agency exec says “now we can add some content in the footer for the SEO”.

Who: Callis Twitter: @callis1987  Keyword Anchor Text Link: Further Strategic Digital Marketing

Just last month I was involved in a respected and renowned weekly SEO twitter chat. The first two questions were along the lines of “what can I do to avoid common indexation issues?” and what “what can I do to avoid common content duplication issues?” At least 3 people for each question answered “Use schema markup”… Schema has plenty of uses of course, but if your site isn’t getting indexed correctly or has content duplication issues no amount of schema is going to fix that. It’s the new buzz word.

Who: Tanner Petroff    Twitter: @tannerpetroff Keyword Anchor Text Link: SEO 2.0

[Client said that] “I’m spending $5k/mo on AdWords so I get better natural search placement, too.”

Who: Kaltronis   Reddit: /r/BigSEO

Automotive SEO has not improved much from 2009. We still have vendors claiming you don’t need responsive websites, pagespeed is of no concern, duplicate content across hundreds of sites is par for the course, and no SEO should cost more than $1200 a month. It’s a crazy isolated space that spends all the money, and gets the finest techniques of five years ago. *There ARE a few good companies, but they cost a premium (Just like every vertical)*

Who: Jason Brown  Twitter: @keyserholiday Keyword Anchor Text Link: Orange County SEO

[I was told] that clicks on pages matter more than any other SEO process. The site owner had each employee clicked though 50k pages a day. No joke.

Who: Steven Macdonald  Twitter: @StevenMacd0nald  Keyword Anchor Text Link: Conversion Rate Crash Course

An SEO guy to my client said “You only have 200 pages. That’s not enough pages to rank in Google!”

Who: A.J. Ghergich   Twitter: @SEO Keyword Anchor Text Link: Content Marketing Agency

Here is a dumb thing I actually see over and over. You have a brand new site focusing all their “SEO” efforts into on-page optimization and site architecture. They obsess over title tags and the perfect H1, flawless canonicalization etc. etc.

6 months later they label SEO as snake oil and move their focus into direct sales channels. On-page optimization is vital…but only if you are earning the links that make Google trust those optimizations.

A new site should really focus 80% of their efforts on link earning not keyword tweaking.

Who: Matt O’Connor   Twitter: @OC2015

That you needed to put keywords in white text, on a white background on relevant pages that needed to rank highly.

Who: Don Rhoades  Twitter: @TheGonzoSEO Keyword Anchor Text Link: Search Marketing Savant

I’d have to say “just create great content” meaning: you don’t (shouldn’t have to.. whatever) do any link outreach to your “great content”. I think Paul May crushed dem skulls of that crowd when he wrote about fairy dust.

Who: Wayne Barker Twitter: @wayneb77 Keyword Anchor Text Link: Boom Online Marketing

I guess we are talking tactics over strategy here. It’s often a case that I may infer what has been said by the actions that the unnamed take part in. A common one is that blogging is a solid tactic in isolation from other work. We are currently combining, rewriting, deleting and editing the blog of a client whose last company pumped out average post after average post. Frustrating.

Another is quite prevalent at the moment and that is going big wins everything. Going big can be good if you are really confident that you have tapped into something.

There are just loads and loads of them. “If you are doing PR well you don’t need an SEO”, “You don’t need technical SEO”.

If someone says something can be done in isolation and without tapping into other channels, or without other people involved is BS.”we can do your SEO without input from client or their staff” is a bullshit strategy.

Who: Zak Nicola   Twitter: @ZakNicola

A guy thought that it would be smart to take a car dealership website and break it up into five URLs.
One URL for new cars one for used cars one for service and one for tires and one just for the dealership info. The top navigation would link out to the different URLs and would swap it out depending on which you are all you were on.

His idea was that having five different websites would gather more traffic and that the linking between them would help increase rankings. He basically wanted to take all the pillars of relevant content that are under the category of being a dealership and break them up into individual sites and linking out it just was a bad idea. This was before the EMD update, and it had some legs for about 6 months. But he held to this tactic after the update even in the face of being sandboxed across thousands of dealership websites.

So heard anything stupid recently? Add a comment or DM me on Twitter to get your answer added to my list.

 

Making Bacon Pancakes with Jake in 3D

The Original GIF of Jake makin’ and tossing his famous Bacon Pancakes was made by http://kurtsnyder.com and it’s AWESOME.

Makin’ 3d Bacon Pancakes

I took the original GIF of Jake from Adventure Time flippin’ his bacon pancakes and threw it into photoshop. Being a newbie it took forever to add the layers, and edit the white lines so Jake was over them and the pancake going in front then behind it to give a feeling of depth like other “3d GIF”s I’ve seen.

This GIF inspired me to try my hand at 3d GIFs.

So what do you think? I had to obviously flip the white lines to horizontal…did that limit the effect?

Adventure Time GIFs I’ve Made

Adventure Time - Phil Face- Put that bag back on
“You’re beautiful girl! You live in the forest, so why don’t you just let it hang out?” Episode 5, Season 2 “Storytelling”

Adventure Time: Gunter Love
Gunter in loves being sung to by the Ice King. Episode 25, Season Four “I Remember You”
Giant guy getting junked up so hard he vomits up Jake. Episode 5, Season One “The Enchiridion!”

That’s one many minotaur! Episode 5, Season One “The Enchiridion!”

Manlish man and the Key-per in his devil jammies. Episode 5, Season One “The Enchiridion!”

Best Analysis of Flash Intros

[I was talking to]…Jared Spool of User Interface
Engineering, to ask, “Flash intros – good or bad?”

Jared said, “When we have clients who are thinking about Flash splash pages, we tell them to go to their local supermarket and bring a mime with them. Have the mime stand in front of the supermarket, and, as each customer tries to enter, do a little show that lasts two minutes, welcoming them to the supermarket
and trying to explain the bread is on aisle six and milk is on sale today.

“Then stand back and count how many people watch the mime, how many people get past the mime as quickly as possible, and how many people punch the mime out.

“That should give you a good idea as to how well their splash page will be received. ” {Via}

{via OATMEAL – Who Rocks}

WTFurniture: How to Lose Business Because of Bad Design

I was reading Lisa Barone’s recent article on ugly websites, and reminded me that since finding the worst website ever, I had actually seen another actual business site that was appalling and actually caused me to choose not to buy from that company.

Nausea Prevented Me From Ordering

My wife was looking for a couch, because we recently got a dog, and having both the cat, the dog and both our laptops on our love seat was just a little too crowded. She hopped onto Craigslist to find a couch at a reasonable price.  After an hour or so of browsing she found the perfect size couch, and it was from a furniture business that was just 1 city away, so it would be relatively easy to get it moved over…

WTFurniture

Social Media: You’re Doing it Wrong!”

In today’s day and age, there’s dozens of articles on how small businesses can use social media, and how you can create a myspace for your your business.  This here is a lesson on how NOT to create a myspace page for your business.
http://www.myspace.com/affordablefurniturecorona

99 Luft Balloons- April Fools Prank

So I arrived at my office, to notice all 10 chairs from my department were missing from everyone’s desks in them main area…and found that they had all migrated into my office. Luckily I was able to get through the door and coral them back to the desks. I was then confronted by a vast sea of Balloons. They said it was originally 140..but they had many casualties in blowing them up, so it was around 99…

“Hast du etwas Zeit Fur Mich Dann Singe Ich Ein Leide ur Dich. Vonn Neun und Neuzig Luft Ballon, Auf Eirem Weg Zum Horizont”

Google Can Cache The Future

Google can Cache the Future

John Jones, and his new Weekly SEO blog have discovered that Google has now gained the ability to travel through time, and cache a page in the future!
This represents a whole new unprecedented level of technology being harnessed by Google…TIME TRAVEL!

Google Breaks the 4th Dimension

While it’s always been known that search patents and systems are constantly being devised by Google to shorten the return time of pages when queried, this I feel represents the next logical step in Search, which is of course “Futuredexing”(Indexing pages before they’ve been modified by the user). While I don’t yet have any confirmation from @mattcutts that they are implementing measures to circumvent the space-time continuum,  we don’t have any DENIAL of it either…

Well, the proof is right here! GOOGLE CAN TRAVEL THROUGH TIME!

UPDATE:

Although Cynics like @kid_disco of SEO Disco may nay say and state that it’s a function of Greenwich Mean Time Differing with my Pacific Standard time…there’s still no conclusive proof that Google isn’t hopping into the Digital Delorean, and Gunning it to 88 MPH!

Apples for Gypsies: 7 things about Me

“Isn’t it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.”

It looks like I was tagged with this meme by David Harry, known as @thegypsy on twitter to write a post elaborating on 7 facts about myself. Although his name always gets me thinking about Gogol Bordello, he has been a good inspiration to me recently in being less controversial and more focused on “just the facts, ma’am”. Well.. here are some interesting facts about me.

I started working at age 14 on an Apple Orchard

Rileys Log Cabin and OrchardThat’s right, it was a U-pick apple farm in Oak Glen, called Riley’s Log Cabin and Orchard. I worked there every fall for 4 years, as a jack of all trades. From parking cars, running the grill, leading tours, helping people press their own cider, teaching archery, Tomahawk throwing (I’m deadly at 7 paces), and Knife Throwing.

Despite my “Pale Face”, I am Native American

Juaneno Band of Mission IndiansThe first question I always get when I talk about  this is “Do you have a casino or stacks of cash?”. No. I don’t. Unfortunately, my tribe has had issues getting federally recognized as an existing tribe, even though we built the San Juan Capistrano Mission with our hands, muscle and blood. unfortunately, squabling over who’s the leader has lead to our band being left out of any real benefit of uniting.

My life goal is to own a large bathtub

Vintage Tubs It sounds a bit nuts, or a low ball of my abilities…but really since I was about 13 I haven’t fit into any bathtub. I figure that the point at which I have a house in which to put the tub, the finances to have a custom tub built to my specifications that I’ll be sitting pretty.

I used to be a Microsoft Paint artist

symetry and symetricsI was fascinated by geometric artists, and since I couldn’t really afford art supplies, I spent a good amount of time in high school, playing around with MS Paint and creating geometric drawings of various colors and shapes.

I want to be a Polyglot

Well, ok, if you have ever spent time with me at some point I most likely have said something to you in German or Japanese or French or whatever it is I’m studying at that time. A polyglot is someone who is fluent in multiple languages, here’s the run down of my current fluency.

  • English, Fluent (Native language)

  • German, Mostly Fluent ( Years of Practice, but still miss big words)
  • Spanish, Conversational (Just enough to sound like I know more than I do and get in trouble)
  • French, Tourist (Enough to kick around Paris with little problems)
  • Japanese, Tourist( Enough to tell if the shop owner is insulting me * funny story when I visited Hawaii I went into a shop, and asked if they had an atm he shook his head and said in Japanese “mita no ginkoo desu ka” to his wife*Do I look like a bank?*, to which I replied “Gomenasai, ginkoo wa dooko desu ka?” *Oh Sorry, which way to the bank*…the look on his face was priceless!)
  • Russian, Korean, Vietnamese, Thai, Hawaiian, morse code, sign language- thank you, good bye etc
  • I want to learn xhosa(bushman/!kung), which is the language from The Gods Must be Crazy

I had a Teepee in my backyard

Basic Cone style TeepeeThat’s right. A teepee. Well, wat can I say, when your father starts riding in the annual christmas parade, dressed in war paint and starts calling himself “Red Horse”, you really get a taste of your culture. My culture just happens to let me camp out in my own back yard where I practiced throwing knives and tomahawks.

I grew up in Yucaipa

Say it with me, “U- Cai- Pa”, not “U ca ipa” or “u cape a” . It’s a little town between LA and Palm Springs…known for…uhm…nothing remarkable at all. Our one joy is being slightly larger than Calimesa… Woot!

Alright well, I hope that was quite enough out of me about me, now for my victims..er next participants.

Jon Henshaw of Raven Seo

Brian Harnish

Michelle Rivera – My beautiful Wife

Brian Nelms (Yes, I’m aware that you don’t YET have a blog, but this is a push in that direction)

SMCuter

Erin Maher

annnnd… Alex Guillen